Am I Ascending or Dying?


By Mercedes Kirkel

During last Sunday’s channeling of Yeshua and Mary Magdalene, a woman asked a question about healing from sexual abuse. What happened next amazed me. Rather than immediately responding to the content of the question, Mary Magdalene responded with a flood of feeling. She went into a depth of grief I have never experienced before. She began to cry through me, weeping for the pain that this person, and so many others with similar experiences, have gone through. And she expressed her great sadness to the woman, several times.


I know it was Mary weeping and not me because I have always been extremely blocked and unable to cry, except on rare occasions. I know it was her grief, because I was aware of my own response to the question, and I would not have gone into grief. I would have responded on a more mental level, answering with ideas, not feelings.


It’s not that I would have been cold or uncompassionate. I was aware, at least to a certain extent, of the trauma this person had likely been through. I would have responded with sensitivity.


But I wouldn’t have let myself feel their grief, not to my depths. I wouldn’t have opened myself to the full extent of what this person had probably experienced. I don’t live like that. I have guarding to protect myself from feeling pain, especially when it doesn’t seem to involve me.


But I experienced Mary as having a very different response. What I experienced is that Mary doesn’t separate herself like I do. She didn’t separate herself from the person who asked the question. And she didn’t separate herself from the pain.


As I write that, I imagine you asking: “Is that wise? Is that safe? Is that what I’m supposed to be doing?”


I asked myself the same questions.


Is it safe to trust this world enough to open to it fully in feeling? Ultimately, I think that’s deciding whether to trust God. Or as they say in 12-step groups, coming to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.


We’ve been living in an “insane” world that has taught us that we can’t allow ourselves to feel everything. It’s not safe. We won’t survive.


Yet I believe Mary is calling us to the exact opposite—she’s inviting us to feel everything. I think she would say that’s the direct path to our sanity, if by sanity we mean well-being in God. And it’s also (not coincidentally) the path to the Feminine.


Every time we hold back from feeling to any extent, we’re holding back from the Feminine. We’re denying the Feminine. We’re saying we don’t want the Feminine, don’t need it, and would be better off without it—thank you very much!


But Mary says differently. And I saw on Sunday that Mary lives what she teaches. She feels completely. 100%. No holding back. Nada.


So those of us who love the Feminine, who long for the Feminine, who are calling for the Feminine… Are we really ready to do this? Because it has to start with us. Otherwise we’ll just be being a wolf in sheep’s clothing—pretending to be the Feminine but still acting out the Masculine-denying-the-Feminine.


And that’s what I saw about myself. I still have a ways to go to stop denying the Feminine, first and foremost in myself. That brings me grief.


Thankfully, there’s more to this story. I got more than just a reflection from Mary of how I’m still shutting down to feeling. I also received an enormous blessing. It’s taken me nearly a week to understand that part. But now the pieces of the puzzle are coming together and I’m starting to see the whole.


After the channeling, I was exceedingly exhausted. I felt perplexed by that because I’m usually enlivened from channeling higher beings. Experiencing their state so directly has the effect of lifting me up into their energy and consciousness.


So I wasn’t expecting to be so exhausted after the webinar. I attributed it to all the work I’d done to create and manifest that event, which had been considerable. I took the rest of the day off, relaxing with friends and going to the ocean. Yet the exhaustion continued throughout the following days, to the point that I started to wonder what was going on. Had I really burned myself out?


I woke up on Thursday in a dramatically different state. I felt like I was halfway out of my body. My physical state seemed strange and unfamiliar, and I found myself struggling to perform ordinary activities. I had the thought that maybe I was dying, even though I didn’t really believe I was physically dying. But that was the closest thing I could relate what I was going through to.


I also had the thought that maybe I was ascending, going into the fourth dimension. That felt very taboo to even consider that, let alone hold it as being what was happening. “Who do I think I am? Jesus?” Yet even Jesus said “All this and more shall you do.” And isn’t ascending what I’m helping people to prepare for through all the work I’m doing? So maybe it was possible that it was actually happening, though I fundamentally doubted that, too.


A few hours passed and I asked a friend to be with me. With her holding me, I was able to let go further into the process. I began sobbing deeply, feeling the pain of the third dimension. At the same time, I was feeling volts of electricity (which I guessed was kundalini) blasting away at my second chakra, the center of my emotions. I felt like Spirit was trying to break through my blocks to feeling that I hold in my energy-body.


At some point the pain of this realm that I was experiencing became personal to me. I felt my own pain of never being able to do enough to relieve the suffering of this realm. And then the storm subsided. I became calm and felt myself surrounded by angels. I felt their peace and joy as my own. And I received the understanding that this is always my state. Peace and joy are continuous, even in the midst of pain arising. It’s like the sun, which is always shining, even when clouds occlude it.


The only thing that cuts me off from peace and joy is if I choose to stop feeling. If I shut down in order to not feel pain, I also stop feeling joy and peace. On the other hand, if I feel the pain, it resolves itself and returns me to what’s prior. Ultimately, that’s God.


Of course, this is exactly what Mary teaches in Mary Magdalene Beckons. And opening to my second chakra was the first practice I was given by Mary in Sublime Union. I was just experiencing myself  at a whole new depth—a depth I don’t tend to be aware of. I was being shown my refusal to feel at this depth, and being asked to let go of that refusal.


It really was a death. A part of me has learned to survive by cutting off from feeling at this depth. That part was dying.


Now I feel more sober about the ascension process. I understand that we’re going to have to allow our old ways to die for new ones to come in. That means parts of us dying. Ways of being that we’ve crafted to survive or protect ourselves or feel safe. We’re being asked to let go of those and open to new, higher, more supportive ways.


That takes trust—trust in ourself, trust in life, and ultimately trust in God. Trust is also a very Feminine attribute. It’s part of our inner Feminine, regardless of whether we’re men, women, or whatever.


So the gift I received is to feel and trust. I’m still integrating it. And it is a form of death to my old familiar way of being and surviving.


My belly feels very vulnerable, ready to contract and shut down at every lapse of awareness into the old, familiar pattern of defense. My energy body feels exceedingly sensitized and I’m aware of its high vibration, almost like the vibration of a hummingbird’s wings. My mind feels a bit dazed, yet it’s slowly starting to relax and integrate the new. And my heart feels like it’s beginning to open in a new way.


I’m especially excited about my heart.


I have a feeling of concern about the response this may bring up in all of you. I can imagine you might feel averse to the idea of needing to feel everything, including all the pain. Maybe you’ll decide you don’t like what I’m saying and will leave. That possibility feels both scary and sad to me.


The reality is, I’m still not thrilled about “feeling everything.” I wish there was an easier way. But I don’t think there is.


However, I have one big “ace” on my side. I may still be learning to fully trust God, but I do trust Mary Magdalene. I have the advantage of getting to feel Mary so directly. The same is true of Yeshua. Their state of being is supremely attractive. I have no question about my desire to attain that state myself.


So if feeling is what it takes, I’m willing. I hope you are, too, because I want companionship on this path. I already have some really good spiritual companions in high places. They’re inviting all of us to join them with open arms. And open hearts.


©2016 Mercedes Kirkel,, All Rights Reserved. Permission is given to share this message as long as the message is posted in its entirety, nothing has been changed or altered in any way, and the post includes 1) the title, 2) “Received by Mercedes Kirkel” beneath the title and above the body of the post, 3) this copyright notice (full paragraph), and 4) Mercedes Kirkel’s website (


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Mercedes Kirkel is a multi-award-winning author and channel for Mary Magdalene and other Beings of Light. Her first book, Mary Magdalene Beckons: Join the River of Love is available at Mercedes’s latest book, Sublime Union: A Woman’s Sexual Odyssey Guided by Mary Magdalene, is available at

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8 Responses to “Am I Ascending or Dying?”

  • Oh wow, Mercedes, I can so relate to what you’re writing about the integration of that depth of feeling, that opening to what I call surrender. It’s been my experience, since the end of April, that I can find myself reading or listening, about some sort of suffering in the world, a universal collective suffering, that causes me to cry tears suddenly, very deep. The newness in it, is, that I can fully allow it to be present, no attachment. I can enter it fully, let it pass through me and be done with it. Wiping my eyes, blowing my nose and continue with my life, without hanging on to it or feeling remorse. Like a child, that’s fully present when in pain and forgetting when it’s over. It’s a very new experience and extremely liberating. I’ve always felt like a sort of midwife for planet Earth and this experience seems to be a part of it. Beautiful isn’t it? I’m so happy with this profound message! Thanks a bunch.

  • Milena:

    Thank you!

    Hallo, Mercedes,

    Both the channeling and your share brought me to tears. I can see generations of women in my lineage holding it strong… My grandmother, whose husband was dragged through concentration camps, my mother whose father was an alcholholic and whose husband had a heart attack and other major surgeries and who didn’t have her lineage help in rising her kids…

    Turning back I can also see the experiences that ”toughened” me up. I can hear my mother asking me, ”why do you need feelings?”, when refering to my relationships, I can see suffering the loss of my girlfriend for years at the age of 7, the first man I loved… I always felt alone. Until I realized this is a shared experience, and if I am tough, I do not allow connection as others cannot feel my authentic core.

    I can share that since I softened, I have had intuitive revelations of and consequtive confessions of several women that have been raped or who had rape in their lineage. I also experienced my own prior life rape during a spontaneous past life regression. As I became more porous, I also experienced the energy of being burned at the stakes, of fearing going out after dusk, because such women deserve rape… and other experiences that still lived in my energetic body. Whether these were truly my own experiences or I was tapping into the female collective pain body, I would not know. And on some level it may not even matter… As I know why being porous is essential and at the same time so hard and vulnerable. I can see, I can feel, I weep!

    Lot’s of love your way!

  • Pat French:

    I can relate to the need to access my pain in order to feel joy. In my heart I know this is true, but it’s often a leap I need to be taught to take. It certainly doesn’t come easily. As far as the Masters crying, I have felt Saint Germain crying but didn’t trust the feeling. Now I think differently. Thanks.

  • Grace:

    Dear Mercedes
    Heart felt thank you for sharing your experience after the channeling Of Mary Magdalen. You are not alone, I can assure you. I have had the honour and privilege to be part of a support group over the last 13 years, which evolved into this work of learning, clearing, healing and coming closer to our authentic selves. As each participant felt lead, we continue to support each other through the healing work which involves experiences that you describe in releasing a lifetime of surpassed pain, personally and collectively. Much dedicated prayer and opening to Spirit prepares the leaders and ones who support, as well as learning to live our truth. We have learned that as we heal, we are able to hold space in Spirit’s Love and Light for each other and from my experience that is what makes it safe. We use the term “trusting the process” and no one will go deeper than ready for, and to ensure before we leave the healing time, that every one is grounded. It is not easy, but the results are far reaching. Spiritual work is always gentle, loving and supportive, and bonds are created that are lasting. You are wise and are guided, you are strong and brave
    in your vulnerability to share so authentically. It is a great encouragement to be connected with you in this way. Many blessings

  • Grace:

    Correction, I mean suppressed, not surpassed …Thank you

  • Julia Rinker-Miller:

    ~ Ascending and Dying ~

    Oh – Mercedes – you’re surely not without my Heart’s companionship on this transmutative journey of all things stuck, stunted and stoic; the human condition has led the ‘many’ to avoid suffering at its own peril – has it not! How joyous I AM to be traveling the feminine Path of Ascension with the Mercy of Mary’s tears dropping as petals on which to step forward. As the vessel cracks open to release understanding ‘gone south’ … let us rise upwards instead … shining – TOGETHER – like the ONE Star WE ARE – Julia

  • Mercedes…

    I cannot tell you how much this particular sharing of yours has touched me. I don’t know about what others may do, but you can count on me to continue to be a part of what you are learning, because it is what I am learning, too.

    Feeling the pain…learning to truly “release into healing” (this is what I call “forgiveness” because I don’t have a fight with myself when I call it that)…and learning to give other people the space to feel their pain and do their releasing in their own timing–not mine!….all of this and more is what I’ve been slowly and sometimes excruciatingly learning over the past several months. And then, tonight–when I least expected it–I heard from someone dear to me…someone whom I had inadvertently hurt and who had withdrawn from me to deal with the pain. Ways of forgiveness truly do generate miracles, I guess–at least some of the time!

    I keep in the kitchen the copy you autographed for me of MARY MAGDALENE BECKONS, and when I’m waiting on something to finish cooking or eating alone–in those brief times, I read and re-read and allow little bits and pieces to sink in. However much time it takes, it just takes what it takes.

    You are not a “wolf in sheep’s clothing,” though, I don’t think. Those wolves are purposely disguising themselves as sheep to intentionally deceive people and take advantage of them, and I don’t feel you doing that. You are just in the process of re-aligning yourself with your natural way of being, and it is just taking however long it takes. That’s all.

    Thank you again for doing what you do and for your generous sharing. I know that eventually I am going to get SUBLIME UNION, I just don’t know exactly when. When the time is right–however long that takes!

    Take care of yourself,

    Maria McEwen

  • Kelly Vran:

    This touched me deeply! Beautifully written and expressed. I so understand the idea of “not feeling” to try to feel “safe” I’ve been doing it most my life. I do believe you are on the right path! I hope I have the courage to follow you on that path! I’ve had glimpses of Pure states of Unconditional love and it’s the most amazing feeling. Thanks for showing us that it’s ok to show our feminine side and by showing ALL our feelings we will be able to feel more love and joy in our lives. I’m staying put! I want to hear more…. can you tell us how you have been feeling since you are starting to feel more deeply? Much love.
    Kelly V.

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